How to help your child through friendships struggles – let’s take a look.
Helping a child through friendship struggles can be a challenging and emotional experience for any parent.
The small dramas of the playground or classroom can feel like the end of the world for a child, and seeing them hurt is difficult. Yet, these struggles are also powerful opportunities for growth, teaching your child vital social and emotional skills that they will use for life. Instead of swooping in to fix every problem, you can support them by teaching them to navigate these issues themselves.
Here are six gentle ways to support your child in their friendship struggles, empowering them to become confident and resilient.
How to help your child through friendships struggles
1. Actively listen and validate their feelings
When your child comes to you upset about a friend, the first and most important step is to simply listen. It can be tempting to immediately offer a solution or dismiss the issue as trivial, but this can make your child feel misunderstood.
- Give them your full attention: Stop what you are doing and turn toward them. This physical act shows that you are present and that their feelings matter.
- Encourage them to talk: Use open-ended questions like, “What was that like for you?” or “Can you tell me more about what happened?”. This encourages a more detailed conversation than a simple “yes” or “no” answer.
- Validate their emotions: Instead of saying, “It’s not a big deal,” say, “I can see why that would feel so bad.” By acknowledging their hurt, sadness, or anger, you are teaching them that their emotions are valid and that it’s okay to feel them.
- Avoid projecting your own experiences: Your childhood friendship dramas are not the same as your child’s. Resist the urge to share your own stories or impose your feelings onto their situation. Focus on their specific experience to make them feel truly heard.
2. Teach problem-solving and social skills
Once your child feels heard, you can move toward helping them develop the skills to navigate the situation. This empowers them to handle similar conflicts in the future.
- Guide, don’t dictate: Resist the urge to jump in and solve the problem for them. Instead, ask them what they think might help. “What have you tried so far?” and “What do you think you could do next?” put the power in their hands.
- Role-play scenarios: Practise difficult conversations in a low-stakes environment. Use toys, puppets, or simply act out different scenarios. You can role-play assertive “I” statements, such as “I felt left out when you said that,” instead of accusatory ones like, “You’re so mean!”.
- Define what makes a good friend: A child might not fully understand the dynamics of a healthy friendship. Talk about qualities like respect, honesty, loyalty, and empathy. This helps them identify positive friendships and understand why a negative one may not be worth their energy.
- Build their self-esteem: If a child’s confidence has been dented, remind them of their positive qualities. You can ask them to name their best traits, or share specific examples of when they’ve been a good friend to others. This helps them remember their own value.
3. Broaden their social horizons
A narrow social circle can make a falling out with a single friend feel catastrophic. By encouraging your child to have a wider range of friends, you can help them build a more robust support system.
- Encourage extracurricular activities: Suggest they join a club, sport, or class based on their interests. This exposes them to new people outside of their usual social group who share their passions.
- Schedule one-on-one playdates: For shy children, a more controlled and quiet environment like a single playdate at home can help them deepen a friendship without the pressure of a group dynamic.
- Explore family connections: Spending time with cousins or family friends provides a different kind of social setting where your child can practise their social skills in a supportive, loving environment.
- De-emphasise the “best friend” concept: Teach your child that it’s okay and healthy to have different friends for different activities and to have more than one close friend. This reduces the intense pressure on a single friendship.
4. Model positive friendship behaviour
Children are constantly observing and learning from the adults in their lives. By modelling healthy social skills in your own interactions, you provide a powerful lesson for your child.
- Show them your own friendships: Let your child see you interacting respectfully with your friends. They can observe you having healthy disagreements, apologising when you’ve made a mistake, and celebrating your friends’ successes.
- Talk about your own relationships: Share age-appropriate stories about your own friendships—the good times, and how you have resolved disagreements. This normalises the idea that friendships have their ups and downs.
- Maintain your own relationships: Make time for your own friends. This shows your child the value of investing in friendships and helps them understand that relationships change over time.
5. Involve the school if needed
If the problem persists and your child is experiencing ongoing exclusion, conflict, or bullying, it may be time to seek outside intervention.
- Contact the teacher: Teachers often have a clearer view of classroom and playground dynamics. They can provide insight into the situation and help mediate issues or implement strategies like a buddy system.
- Inquire about school resources: Ask if the school has a counsellor or programs to help students with social skills, self-esteem, or conflict resolution. Peer mediation programs can be especially effective for low-level disputes.
6. Consider seeking professional guidance
If friendship issues are causing significant distress that affects your child’s mental health, a professional can provide additional support.
- Watch for serious signs: Be aware of symptoms like prolonged anxiety, persistent sadness, low mood, or significant changes in behaviour, sleep, or eating habits. These may indicate a need for professional help.
- Speak with a therapist or counsellor: For children and teens struggling with bullying, social anxiety, or depression related to friendships, a qualified mental health professional can help them develop coping skills and a healthy perspective.
Therapy with Becky Goddard-Hill:
If you are in Nottingham or prefer an online approach, Becky Goddard-Hill offers specialised support for children and parents. As a qualified and experienced psychotherapist, she works with young people aged 4-18, using a warm and supportive humanistic and CBT-inspired approach. Becky also offers “Parenting Power Hours” to help parents navigate their own role in supporting their child’s emotional well-being. You can find her clinic in West Bridgford, Nottingham, or book virtual sessions, Click through for her contact form.