Do you wonder how to help your kids open up about their worries?
As a parent, it can feel really upsetting when your kids are worried about something. What’s even worse is when they won’t talk to you about whatever it is that’s bothering them. We’re used to being able to fix things for our children, but when they get a bit older and start to distance themselves from their parents, it can feel really scary for everyone.
The first thing you need to know is that this is a normal stage of adolescence, so try not to worry too much if your child starts to become secretive about their problems. Teenagers are programmed to separate from their parents emotionally at this stage of development, and to rely more on their friends and other sources of support outside the home. It’s what gets them ready to leave home and live independent lives.
That said, with the big things it’s important that your teenage child gets support from a responsible adult, so here are some of things you can try when you’re worried about them.
How to help your kids open up about their worries
1. Suggest counselling
They may not feel like telling you their biggest secrets, but it helps to have a trusted adult they can talk to. Plus, in talking to a counsellor, they get to explore things they may feel are too private or embarrassing to tell their parents or their friends. A counsellor is objective and empathic, and will give your teen space to work out how they feel and what they want to do about their problems. Most good schools have a counselling service for their students, or you can find counsellors on The Mix.
(Image here) Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash
2. Don’t quiz them
Most teenagers will tell you that when they do decide to talk to you, the biggest deterrent is your need to try and fix things for them. More often than not, our kids aren’t looking for a solution; they just want to vent and have someone listen. So if they do decide to tell you what’s going on for them, try and resist the temptation to ask too many questions or offer advice. Just listen and validate their feelings. They’ll be more likely to open up further down the line if they know you’ll listen.
3. Self help books
If you have a teenager who loves to read, there’s nothing better for them than escaping to their room with a good book. Sometimes just having this kind of down time is enough to help them escape from the stresses of everyday life, school and friendship issues, so making sure they remember to make time for what they love is important. There are lots of really accessible self-help books for teens too – maybe make a purchase and leave one lying around in case they choose to dip into it.
4. Free up their time to help your kids open up about their worries
Like reading a book, teenagers will benefit from doing whatever it is they love to do, even if they’ve forgotten to make time for it. As they get older, it’s easy for teens to get sucked into work pressure, socialising and scrolling through their phones, but nudging them once in a while to get out and play football, dance, play with the dog – whatever it is that used to bring them joy as a child – will do them the world of good. Just occasionally you may need to let them off their chores to give them that time back, but it could make all the difference.
5. Do something with them
So many parents of teens say their kids are more likely to open up to them if they’re in the car or out for a walk. There’s something about not having to sit across the table from an adult and look them in the eye that makes talking feel easier. So pick your moment and strike up a conversation when you’re out together en route to an activity, or even just doing the weekly shop. You’ll learn more in small moments like this than you ever will by demanding a heart-to-heart.
Try to remember that most teenage problems do resolve themselves in time, and that teenagers are all going through a really stressful time. Use these tips when you’re feeling anxious about your teen’s wellbeing and hopefully they’ll start to share more with you.
